Dear Africana Woman,
Happy Valentine’s babe. I hope you got some good loving from all those dear to you. Ifwe ba forever Valentine’s was at school. It’s interesting how we singletons have been turned into villains during Valentine’s. Ati they are just bitter, jealous and lonely. I guess there are some people out there who may be like this, but to be honest I think for the most part there are more women who are happy to be single. Another person doesn’t make you a whole being. You have to love you. You have to love spending time in your own company.
Yah babe okay fine I am going to be very honest. Don’t come for me. The reason why I choose to be single is because:
The Sons of Pharaoh are rampant on these streets.
Yoh guys. Hmmm for the first time in this blog I am failing to write. I thought Lusaka was a small town but this town I am in is small. Everyone knows EVERYONE. LIKE 😨. You know when you don’t want to write about someone but you want to tell a juicy story. Okay okay let me drink some courage juice.
This week I hosted a speed dating event. You know, when random women and men mingle for 5 minutes at a time. The event was supposed to start at 18 hours. As it turns out more men signed up for the event than women. The Ladies arrived on time, and you know how we women do when we bath. Herrr and makeup did, mani and pedi going on, wearing that ka number, you know the one, where you had to squeeze yourself in a Spanx to snatch that waist. Let me tell you they looked stunning. By 18:30 no guys have arrived. Phones start coming out to follow up on the list of men. ‘Ati they are coming’…..19:00 hrs nothing…..19:30 zeee (claps hands) ATI CHIBEGEMU.
When the guys were called the story changed to “I am not in town, I travelled out” “Give my spot to another guy” … girls voice “He’s changing, we are coming” 😳 Sons of Pharaoh.
So now the organisers all whip out their phones and start calling anyone. These were the type of calls going on:
“Boyi come through, what about that brother of yours, bring him.”
“But he is 12”
“Is he breathing?”
“Then it’s fine, he can come”
HAHAHAHA I’m playing. Of course there were no under age kids. We just needed anyone who had a third leg. Finally, we managed to muster a group of gents. Ninshi apa so its clocked 21:00. The queens have been waiting from 18:00. Sons of Pharaoh will make my hair go all white before my time. Truth be told when we did finally have both genders the event was quite lovely. We even had a MATCH! So cute.
I’ll tell you what Sons of Pharaoh come in all forms. There are those Sons who see you through beer bottle glasses in the cover of the night, and they have imagined you to be what you are not. Then when the sun comes up and they see who you really are, they ghost you faster than a cheetah.
And is it just me, but I feel like guys in the entertainment (which includes sports) and hospitality industry are Sons of Pharaoh and Jezebel? Like their hoetation game is strong. They just operate in confusion because they are spoiled for choice. Elyo worse, ba DJ. I think it’s coz the ladies fall in love with the Barry White voice coming through the stereo. And the dudes are playing songs you love, and you say, “This Dj gets me” These guys will be running 5 or more chicks at a time. I am like, how do you even have the time. One time I was chatting with a guy and he’s showing me pics of his kids. So then he says this is my girlfriend. And I am like Oh your madam is very pretty. Ati awe this is my girlfriend, this one is the madam. EH! But you know the part that babas me most, these guys get so much practice in bed but they don’t even bother to perfect their technique. It’s all about quantity and not quality. I guarantee if you know someone who is with one of these guys she is having s*^& sex, but the money makes up for the lack of satisfaction in bed.
N you know some of us worked in hospitality. I am scarred for life. Take for example, a guy would bring his girlfriend and her three friends to party it up on one week. But the next time he brings his wife and kids. Then I was left with the burden of keeping his secrets. They cannot decide whether they are married or not. You can ask them outright, “Are you married?” “Well aaaa nooo its not like that, but yes there are some papers” 💀 Sigh, Sons of Pharaoh and Jezebel.
Ok the part that tickles me is when they hit you with a line that is supposed to be impressive. Like one guy said to me, “Yeah I’ve been out of the country, I just got back” na ka accent ya bufi. I am like was that really necessary? In these five minutes that we just met, I did not mention that I have lived on three continents and travelled to 18 countries and still counting. So ni mwebo ba sir, pantu mwalifikapo kubulaya? Waliba cultured sana?🙄 My friend was telling me how this guy was vibing her and bragging about how he wants to start a fintech and he is going to study at an Ivy League. So she explained to him that She is the CEO of a fintech company AND she has been invited to be a speaker at same Ivy League school. Wasn’t she ghosted. Mwe ba bragadosious mule tekanya.
Jeezos, touch your Sons of Pharaoh. There are so many good women out here looking for a good man. Aah I cyant. And then there’s the man that wants a woman to baby him instead of him being a partner to her. Bloody nonsense. One guy told me, a ka Ben 10 anso, ‘I need a Sugar Mummy” implying that me, a whole me, I should take up the role. Kaili some of us have got Aunty Rich Rich plastered on our foreheads. But when he said that, I thought, that is the most demeaning thing a man can s