In the same way that an orgasm is.
So, I recently got married, and the first thing I did, even pre-honeymoon, was to change my surname on Facebook. It was an ode to 6-year-old Tuba, who was always tired of the ‘Mutwale kwisa?’ jokes and could not wait for a new surname.
Moses and Tuba Anse Lazio
Photography by Andre (Sandpix Photography)
There are a few numbers that are significant to our journey together.
16; the number of years we have known each other (and that's how long my now husband had pursued me for);
10; the number of months we were together before getting engaged; and
6; the number of months we were engaged.
So after all these years of being asked questions like “You guys met where?” (We met on Mig33, remember THAT period of social media?) And “You have known each other how long?”. We decided to involve the government of the Republic of Zambia in our relationship and throw a big party to celebrate this. I finally can stop looking at travel (we were semi-longish distance) as the only way to see my man and can now enjoy being together for extended periods. So for all intents and purposes, our marriage is an achievement.
Achievement. (noun). A thing done successfully with effort, skill, or courage. (Oxford Languages)
Photography by Andre (Sandpix Photography)
It took an effort to get to this stage; investing in a life and dating coach for myself, understanding that we are not the 14 and 16-year-olds we were when we met, sleep sacrifices, textual misunderstandings (inside jokes), and learning about each other again as adults. However, this achievement is not rigid and still needs to be augmented, much like an orgasm, which takes skill to achieve. We will still need to work on our relationship, friendship, and lives outside of each other.
I submit that it is for this reason that the concept of marriage as an achievement is ridiculed and frowned upon. For most African women, we think it involves being in constant servitude to your man, and if you’re working a full-time job too, basically always being “on the clock” even at home. Sure, you have a signed paper making your relationship a legal contract, a diamond (ha!) ring and a man to kill all the bugs and lizards, but I know myself (and maybe a few others here?) when I have a man, I tend to get a little tunnel-visioned, so I wrote down these questions in one of the too-many journals I own to help keep myself on track;
Tuba (insert your or other relevant names), are you still an individual outside your relationship?
Tuba, how are your friendships? Are they thriving?
Tuba, how are your personal goals, you smashing them?
Tuba, Is “Mrs.” your most important title?
Marriage is not the be-all and end-all of the adventures of Tuba and Moses. It is a step further in creating more of those adventures. Besides, we had a pretty solid reason to get married; I drove him crazy each time I missed him, so he decided to move us to one place for his peace of mind.
Moral of the story; DRIVE HIM CRAZY!!! But also stay true to your goals, even as you tick off marriage as one of them you’ve achieved.
By Tubalemye Kapisa
Tuba is an avid reader, and a blogger passionate about all things writing, media, Africa, nature, bacon, ice cream, and fruits.
Connect with her on her blog: www.stampedlifestyleblog.com, or on her Instagram page: @tubalemye_tuba: https://www.instagram.com/tubalemye_tuba/
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Edited by Bwalya Mphuka
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