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I Failed Spectacularly

Dear Africana Woman,

I failed spectacularly. Recently, I was interviewed on a podcast where someone asked me why Weakness was part of the acronym KNOW. I went on to explain that Weakness is not a bad thing. It is an act of vulnerability where you surrender yourself to your higher power by admitting you don’t have control. This makes way for the super to be added to your natural. Another way of looking at weakness is equating it to failure. I said, "If you are not failing you are not growing.” And guys if you are not growing then you are dying. To fail is to learn, it is to adapt, it is to evolve, it is a powerful tool to get better. Well …. easier said than done, because I have been failing spectacularly since I moved to Kabwe.

People keep telling me. “Chulu I see you are doing all of these things. Things are going well.” Hmmm my experience of what people see is entirely contrary. Yes I have been hosting a number of events, but really they have all been experiments to see what do I really like to do? What don’t I like to do? Who can I work with? Who can I trust? Who gets things done? How do I feel? How do I react when people do not show up for an event? How do I lead my team in those low moments? Who am I as a leader? Odd as it may seem for a long time I did not believe I was a leader. Only recently have I started to embrace that role.

As I have been experimenting I think I also got lost. Fortunately, I have found my way back to what I want to do. The other day my friend called me a visionary. Sigh. It is a good and a bad thing because being a visionary is all about timing. If you try to push your idea too soon the people around you may not be ready for it. It wasn’t a bad idea, it just wasn’t the right time. I am still navigating how to address this. Does one roll out the idea in pieces and then let it unfold in a natural way even though I have seen what is ahead? In many ways I think I need a ying to my yang who can reign me in, and ground me to the present by saying one day at a time.

Someone wise, who I absolutely adore, just told me. Tomorrow We Try Again.

In all of this failing, my only and deepest regret is that my child has to suffer through it with me. I don’t mind the rejections, the no’s, no shows, empty events, cancelled bookings, not making salaries on time, crazy gardeners, no staff and so on. I have been in limbo before and every time, I rise to a much better space. What is frustrating is not knowing how long this phase will take. I was just listening to an actress talk about how she quit from an amazing show, then it took her two years to get her next gig. Jizas. Who has that time? No God. It’s me again, make a way now. Lol it’s funny but not funny.

Happy Africa Freedom Day. Apparently, it has been renamed to Africa Day. By who? Kaya. Regardless, in Zambia we say Freedom. However, is Africa really free? I was in a riveting conversation about what it means to be African. It made me think about the stories that I want to tell in my writing. What is the change that I can make through the stories that I tell? Fiction used to come to me so naturally. However, of late I feel like there is a part of my imagination that died. I genuinely love to tell stories from my life and day to day experiences, but I also want to tell stories from my imagination with a childlike abandon. Hopefully in one of these 30 days I will be able to share something that is pure fiction.

Darling we will not be here too long today. I just wanted to let you know that is okay to fail because you are learning. It is okay to be weak because God will make you strong. Personally, I just wished these lessons would hurry up and pass like yesterday. Hahaha. Yet here I write that Tomorrow I get to try again. Welcome to all the new readers. You guys are awesome. Click the subscribe button so as you receive a love letter directly. My live hard readers you know there is nothing but love from me. I see you, and salute the strength in you. Babes you can catch me on Instagram @ChulubyDesign, Eh Let me tell you this one thing before I go. For the first time ever Africana Woman will have a Retreat. Check out the details here. If you knew how long my heart has been singing for this, you would understand how elated I am. You are invited. Yes you. Go sign up oh. Ok I am signing off now. You know this, Africana Woman is a blog, podcast and community. Make sure as you interact in this space you learn to love yourself, flaws n all, and attract the life you truly desire. Day 7. #30DaysWriting



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