Updated: May 16, 2021

Dear Africana Woman,

I have tried to resist writing on this but I couldn’t help myself hahaha. But how are you? How has your week been. I hope you have been kind to yourself and done some self lovin’. This week I have been head down building my empire. Seems like busy work but it actually feels as natural as breathing because I’m doing what I believe I’ve been called to do. As you might recall I am leading a retreat about purpose this weekend. In preparation for the retreat we have been doing some mindful exercises like tracking your time, writing a letter to money and the be your own bae challenge. Let me tell you these women are phenomenal. I love the bonds being created through the support they give each other. I wish I could tell you all the magical moments I had this week, but it would take too long so let‘s jump right into it.

Hmm maybe it’s just me but this Corona season has entanglements jumping out of the bushes, talking about, “I missed you.”

I’m like “Eschoose me, after all these years? Mm mm. You need to go deal with that loneliness by yourself. I will not assist you in fantasizing the good parts and pretend like the bad parts were not worse. That’s why you are in the past.” Like no bruh. Nix.

Guys for real for real in the space of one week, three entanglements slid up in my DM. I literally thought, get behind me devil, I rebuke you in Jesus name, hahaha. Forgive me but that’s how I talk. But dudes must be sitting at home just bored scrolling through their contacts thinking ooo who can I talk to today. I beg, please do not fall into that trap. I know I’m not the only one experiencing this.

Anyway it got me thinking, the reason why I am able to so easily shut down such conversations is because I did not consider them to be real relationships. I am 36 years old and I have never not once been in a serious relationship. At least not on my part. They might have thought it was serious, kaya. But I’m the chick that protects myself by building an iron wall up and I literally approach relationships from a point of self defense. Where I take the stance of I will use you first because I don’t want to be heartbroken. I don't say this as a badge of honour. I’m in therapy after all. It is just my truth.

When I go back even further I realize that as a female child I had experiences of being sexualized that terrified me and I had to survive. I remember being around 7 and we got on a bus but there was no seats, so a man offered his lap for me to sit. When I sat there was something poking my bum. I remember going to the market around 13 and being left at the hair dressers. This man came in and started touching my thigh and the hair dresser told him to leave me alone because I was a child. Oooo and the worst of all is shaking hands with a grown ass man and he scratches the inside of your palm. (In my culture that is a sign to show that the man desires you sexually). That is just disgusting, to this day I immediately cancel anyone who does that to me.

I say this to say in our society girls are seen as sexual objects from quite a young age and nothing is done to protect them or at the very least provide a channel for them to talk about experiences they don