Updated: Aug 14, 2020
Dear Africana Woman,
I have tried to resist writing on this but I couldn’t help myself hahaha. But how are you? How has your week been. I hope you have been kind to yourself and done some self lovin’. This week I have been head down building my empire. Seems like busy work but it actually feels as natural as breathing because I’m doing what I believe I’ve been called to do. As you might recall I am leading a retreat about purpose this weekend. In preparation for the retreat we have been doing some mindful exercises like tracking your time, writing a letter to money and the be your own bae challenge. Let me tell you these women are phenomenal. I love the bonds being created through the support they give each other. I wish I could tell you all the magical moments I had this week, but it would take too long so let‘s jump right into it.
Hmm maybe it’s just me but this Corona season has entanglements jumping out of the bushes, talking about, “I missed you.”
I’m like “Eschoose me, after all these years? Mm mm. You need to go deal with that loneliness by yourself. I will not assist you in fantasizing the good parts and pretend like the bad parts were not worse. That’s why you are in the past.” Like no bruh. Nix.
Guys for real for real in the space of one week, three entanglements slid up in my DM. I literally thought, get behind me devil, I rebuke you in Jesus name, hahaha. Forgive me but that’s how I talk. But dudes must be sitting at home just bored scrolling through their contacts thinking ooo who can I talk to today. I beg, please do not fall into that trap. I know I’m not the only one experiencing this.
Anyway it got me thinking, the reason why I am able to so easily shut down such conversations is because I did not consider them to be real relationships. I am 36 years old and I have never not once been in a serious relationship. At least not on my part. They might have thought it was serious, kaya. But I’m the chick that protects myself by building an iron wall up and I literally approach relationships from a point of self defense. Where I take the stance of I will use you first because I don’t want to be heartbroken. I don't say this as a badge of honour. I’m in therapy after all. It is just my truth.
When I go back even further I realize that as a female child I had experiences of being sexualized that terrified me and I had to survive. I remember being around 7 and we got on a bus but there was no seats, so a man offered his lap for me to sit. When I sat there was something poking my bum. I remember going to the market around 13 and being left at the hair dressers. This man came in and started touching my thigh and the hair dresser told him to leave me alone because I was a child. Oooo and the worst of all is shaking hands with a grown ass man and he scratches the inside of your palm. (In my culture that is a sign to show that the man desires you sexually). That is just disgusting, to this day I immediately cancel anyone who does that to me.
I say this to say in our society girls are seen as sexual objects from quite a young age and nothing is done to protect them or at the very least provide a channel for them to talk about experiences they don’t understand. I know in those moments I did not feel safe. Coupled with the fact that I had no male role models that I could consider as protectors. As a result my primary experience of men was as predators. So I had to create coping mechanisms.
I guess there are two questions to explore; how can society curb the culture of sexualising young girls? and as adult women how do we move on from the trauma of such experiences. I don’t know what the answer is to both questions. However, I think that as women, we raise these boys. We have so much influence over how they treat and respect girls and women. Let’s use our influence wisely.
As adults, I am sorry if I opened a wound. Yet there is power in naming a thing. It is a major milestone in recovery. Because you would have moved past denial, which can also be masked as ignorance. I want us to move past entanglements and actually experience meaningful relationships. In my opinion a rich meaningful relationship has well developed communication skills and the capacity to be vulnerable in each other’s presence. They say it’s easier to get physically naked than it is to be emotionally naked. Does your significant other truly see you? The you behind the makeup, the clothes, the public persona. Are you so intimate that you can say In To Me See?
I’m not. 😂. But one day, it shall happen. In the meantime, I’m working on being the best version of me. So Dear Entanglements, stick to your corner. We are done.
Gurl, I guess I gotta sign off. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Again I’m sorry if this cuts you deep. You have resources available to you, don’t sit bleeding out. Send me a message if you need help finding help. I would really appreciate it if you could share this with a friend. Come on over to the Africana Woman Facebook group. They are phenomenal women seeking clarity, purpose, and self love. Babes you know my playground is Instagram, so catch me there @chulu_bydesign, follow me and send me a DM and I’ll follow you back. Alrighty. Sweetly if nothing else this week, make sure you love yourself, flaws n all, and attract the life you desire.
Air hugs n kisses,