Dear Africana Woman,
Hey SIS!!! You know I am a mess. Wait wait wait. Happy Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for this year. Please drop it in the comments I would love to know. Oooooo there is so much to say today. First thing is an update from the robbery last week. Remember how I told you that I do not think the story was over. Well, on Friday night around 8pm I received a call from a random guy telling me that he found my bag, I couldn’t go pick it up at night in fear of being kidnapped and ransomed for not having any money in the bag to start with. So I went to pick it up the next day. Turns out the bad was not mine but the contents were. Which was my bible, journals and office keys. They kept my bag, my sons broken phone and my glass water bottle. What I realised is that on the day of the robbery I had stopped at an ATM to withdraw cash. This means the thugs followed with a car to the other side of town then broke in my car. All I can say is be safe everyone.
Okay. Here are a few facts about me. I am 36 years old. I am single. I am a mother. Society believes by my age alone I am not marketable. Society believes because I am a woman I am desperate to be married because I need a man to look after me. Society also believes that on some level I have a promiscuous streak because I had a child out of wedlock and to some extent do not deserve to find a man who is single and never been married. I have been told this in my face, “You will only find a divorced man with children who will be interested in you”
Oh my word so much to unpack right here. But I want to tell you a story first.
My therapist challenged me to try going on a date. So I have made it a goal to go on at least one date before the end of 2020. I really do not know a lot of people so I decided the best way to meet a guy is to ask my circle to hook me up on a blind date in their network. I asked ladies first and they are taking long to come through. So I asked one of my male friends for a hook up. Oh gad thats wrong, its not a hook up, it’s a blind date.. So he agreed to do the needful. He asked me for a picture of myself so he could really sell the pitch. And he went out in the market. He found a really cool dude, tall, handsome, educated, creative, likes to travel. And he sent him the proposal package. Turns out this amazing guy is my cousin, Tseko. LOLLL. Listen I am notorious for not knowing who my relatives are so if I know your name and face then we are brother and sister.
The city is too small y’all. And it just shows you that blind dates in Africa are not safe because we are all related. Hahahaha. My father alone was a rolling stone. Dudes be out here having families in multiple cities, like you need a DNA test before you can commit to drinks. Ok. I am done. Let’s go back to the topic.
Dating as an African Single Woman with a Child is a triple wammy. I do not think society has grace for redemption. Neither does it tolerate outliers. There is something about reaching the age of 35 which has a finality to your existence. You know what I think it is, we are so stuck on this term called The Youth which is between the ages of 18 - 35. SO when you are no longer a youth, for which many covet to hold onto for as long as possible, it’s like a death sentence. It is as if hitting 36 mean that I have lost my bell shape, beautiful smile, and glowing skin. No it’s still there, but society would have you believe you are meant to wither and shrink in obscurity in some corner.
I LOVE BEING SINGLE. A bit too much which is why my therapist challenged me to go on a date. But my point is not every woman is desperate to be in a relationship. Not every woman looks at relationships as an exchange for financial security. Can I just say that you attract what you believe. So Men (not that a lot of men read this blog) BUT Men can you be intentional about the women you would like o attract. If you want her to be independent and thriving well put it out there and she will come to you. I think we are hard wired to think that all women are always so needy in a relationship. That is just not true.
For a long time the narrative of a single mother has been she is promiscuous to have had a child/ren out of marriage. Media has perpetuated this story over and over again. Coupled with religion basically making these women be outcasts because her ‘sin’ is visible as the man still sits in the comfort of the religious building watching the woman be persecuted, Not saying anything and being protected by patriarchy. When a woman has a child, that child will continue to exist for a lifetime, so how long is the woman to be chastised? When will there be redemption for her. When will she be forgiven? Never. Is she like a former prisoner who will have this on her record for life as she tries to look for better opportunities for herself. And why is it that we then throw her a bone by saying oh you can take this ‘Damaged Goods’ (for lack of a better term) here is a divorced man with children. You can have this one because he is in a sense also an outcast for being divorced. So we will do you a favour. But for our single son who has never been married, you do not deserve him. He deserves a fresh start, not all your baggage. In your subconscious you know this to be true of your bias. You are not a bad person, its just how society has trained us.
So how about we begin to reframe the way we see women of a certain age with a certain history. We could decide to give people grace. We could decide to accept that people change over time and who she was yesterday is certainly not who she is today. We can decide to catch our prejudices and question where you learned it and whether it is really true.
Some food for thought.
Shout out to Mama Lombe, Ms. C, Natalie Lombe Chisengalumbwe. Today is her birthday. There are people all over the world that have been touched by this woman right here. Please show her some love in the comments. I pray that there are many more years to be celebrated and your years are filled with love, joy and peace.
My darling. I have to run. There is so much going on in this last month of the year. Listen Good Morning Beautiful is coming to an end AAAAAHHHHH. It has been amazing. I have heard so many testimonies from the ladies that listen, hopefully I can share this with you soon. I am also knee deep in preparing for the Audit your Business workshop for female entrepreneurs. This is a deep dive into your business from a strategic standpoint, to really figure out, what worked, what didn’t and what do you want for your business in 2021. It’s sooooo good. Just finished the workbook which is super enlightening. If you want in on this experience you can join the Africana Woman Visionaries facebook group. We are already in there doing some prep work and gathering data for the workshop. You can catch me every day on Instagram @Chulu_byDesign. I love talking to you. So hit me up.
Oh wait I almost forgot. You know I have a retreat called KNOW your Purpose, which is a beautiful self reflective journey for the woman who wants to realign herself with her deepest heart's desire so as she lives a fulfilled life. Not everyone is able to attend the retreat. Therefore, I have made available the KNOW your Purpose Journal as a downloadable print. It is a simple guide of the principles we cover in the retreat. Get your copy today right here. It is great for the end of the year as we all should be having a 2020 debrief meeting with ourselves. Ok now I really gotta go. Sunshine, I want you to love yourself flaws n all and attract the life that you desire.
Love your dearly,